Judging Others
Judging Others
“Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged. You’ll receive the same judgment you give. Whatever you deal out will be dealt out to you. Why do you see the splinter that’s in your brother’s or sister’s eye, but don’t notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your brother or sister, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ when there’s a log in your eye? You deceive yourself! First take the log out of your eye, and then you’ll see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s or sister’s eye.” – Jesus, Matthew 7:1-5 CEB
Have you ever felt judged? When I read Jesus’ teaching here, my mind goes to times when I have felt judged by someone else. My mind also goes to the ambiguous blob of Christians and their leaders who evidently never read this passage and have been so judging toward others that over the last two decades, polls have indicated that the first thing that comes to mind for most Americans when they hear the word “Christian” is “judgmental”. Having been the target of such judgment, I find myself getting pretty judgy toward these judges and join the ranks of those disregarding Jesus’ teaching! Ugh!
Have you ever found yourself guilty of judging someone else?
Being Christian and accused of being judgmental is right up there with being white and called racist – every Christian squirms when the judgment card is dropped. When accused, we very naturally might defend ourselves and simply reply that we were just pointing out something that was wrong that needed to be corrected. What’s wrong with that? Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount is full of examples of correcting errant thought and behavior. Is Jesus suggesting that we say nothing in the face of things that need to be called out? Isn’t there a need for highlighting injustices in our world that need to be addressed? Is it judgy to call such things out? Or are we talking about two different things? Is there space for constructive criticism that doesn’t come across judgy? What is the difference between judging and constructive criticism?
A recent search on the difference between offering constructive criticism and being judgmental generated these helpful distinctions:
Constructive criticism v. Judging
1. Intent
· Constructive criticism aims to help the other person grow or improve. The intention is supportive.
Example: “Your presentation had great points—if you slow down a bit, your message will be even clearer.”
· Judging aims to evaluate or condemn someone, often implying moral or personal superiority.
Example: “You’re a terrible speaker—you always mess things up.”
2. Focus
· Constructive criticism focuses on specific actions or behaviors (“what you did”).
· Judgment focuses on the person’s character or worth (“who you are”).
· Criticism: “The report had a few errors in the data.”
Judgment: “You’re careless and don’t pay attention.”
3. Tone and Delivery
· Constructive criticism uses respectful, encouraging language and often offers solutions or suggestions.
· Judgment uses harsh, dismissive, or absolute language, leaving no room for discussion or growth.
4. Effect on the Other Person
Constructive criticism tends to motivate and build trust.
Judgment often shuts people down and creates defensiveness or shame.
In short: Constructive criticism builds; judgment breaks.
As I read the insights differentiating constructive criticism and judgment, I found myself replaying tapes in my memory where I was judged, and also when I was offered constructive criticism well. I recognized also times when I judged, when I sought to break someone out of my pain instead of building them up. Yikes! I am capable of offering and receiving constructive criticism well. I am also capable of receiving it as judgment when it isn’t. Furthermore, I am capable of judging someone and believe I am just offering constructive criticism. What about you?
Author and theologian Warren Wiersbe once quipped, “Truth without love is brutality. Love without truth is hypocrisy.” The Apostle Paul (or those writing in his stead) wrote to the Jesus followers in ancient Ephesus, “By speaking the truth with love, let’s grow in every way into Christ (Ephesians 4:15 CEB).” The Message translation puts it this way: “God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything.” I want that for myself on both sides of the coin. I want to treat others like Christ, with shalom, in every encounter, building up and not tearing down. And that’s also how I want to be treated.
If you are feeling judged, consider this when you are in such a moment: Take a deep breath and seek whatever truth is in the statement while also recognizing what is not true. Judgment statements cut to the heart and indict our person. The Spirit of God, the Shalom of God, doesn’t go there, because at the end of the day, the Spirit recognizes us as very good, made in the image of God. We may have room to grow, but we are not inherently bad. Judgment goes after character. If there’s truth, take it humbly. If there’s not, let it go gracefully.
There is a deeper maturity that calls us to deeper healing. Consider the following wisdom from Indian Jesuit priest and writer Anthony de Mello:
How could you go about creating a happy, loving, peaceful world? By learning a simple, beautiful, but painful art called the art of looking. This is how you do it: Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself. The question to ask is not, “What’s wrong with this person?” but “What does this irritation tell me about myself?” Do this right now. Think of some irritating person you know and say this painful but liberating sentence to yourself. “The cause of my irritation is not in this person but in me.”
Having said that, begin the task of finding out how you are causing the irritation. First look into the very real possibility that the reason why this person’s defects or so-called defects annoy you is that you have them yourself. But you have repressed them and so are projecting them unconsciously into the other. This is almost always true but hardly anyone recognizes it. So, search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.…
And here is a final truth for you to consider: Given the background, the life experience, and the unawareness of this person, he cannot help behaving the way he does. It has been so well said that to understand all is to forgive all. If you really understood this person, you would see him as crippled and not blameworthy, and your irritation would instantly cease. And the next thing you know you will be treating him or her with love, and he or she is responding with love, and you find yourself living in a loving world which you have yourself created. – Anthony de Mello. Following the Call: Living the Sermon on the Mount Together (p. 282). Kindle Edition.)
May shalom transform your ears to hear even judgment as an opportunity for growth.
May shalom transform your mouth to speak truth with love.
May shalom heal your wounds so that you may be less and less capable of judging, and more and more confident in the love that holds and builds you when others’ pain seeks to tear you down.
Stuff to think about…
When have you felt judged by others, and how did that experience shape your ability to extend grace to those who judge you?
Reflecting on the distinction between constructive criticism and judgment, can you identify a time when you delivered what you thought was helpful feedback but mixed in judgment about someone's character?
How does the reality that Jesus was a 'messy human being' who sometimes judged others change your understanding of spiritual maturity and perfection?
What does it reveal about our hearts when we rank ourselves favorably compared to others, and how does this self-perception affect our ability to see our own judgmental tendencies?
How might practicing daily gratitude, as suggested in the 21-day challenge, actually transform your tendency to judge others?
When you consider the statement 'truth without love is brutality, love without truth is hypocrisy,' which side do you tend to err on and why?
How does Anthony de Mello's suggestion that our irritation with others reveals something about ourselves challenge your current approach to conflict and annoyance?
Do you agree with Brené Brown's assertion that 'everybody is doing the best they can,' and how might believing this change the way you view difficult people in your life?
In what ways does the story of Jesus restoring Peter through love rather than judgment model a different approach to addressing relational wounds and betrayals?
How might our culture's normalization of judgment at the highest levels of leadership be affecting your own spiritual formation, and what practices might help you resist this influence?