As We Forgive
“Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others... In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.” – Matthew 6:12, 14-15 (MSG)
Nerd Moment. It appears that Jesus is implying that if we withhold forgiveness from others, God will withhold forgiveness from us. A plain reading of this text has freaked many Christians out over time, forcing them to utter words of forgiveness (even if only lip service) if only to insure they stay in God’s good graces. When we encounter a statement like this, we need to first consider translation issues, not just word for word but meaning for meaning. Jesus spoke in Aramaic and was reared and rooted in an Eastern religious tradition, Judaism. Greek is Western and doesn’t always interpret Aramaic well. Our New Testament was written entirely in Greek and then translated into English. But if you’ve ever used an online site like BibleGateway.com, you are surely aware of the incredible number of translations available, all reflecting differences of opinion. This will not fully answer your question, however. The translation process isn’t complete because we know that Jesus never wrote down his teachings. The words of Jesus we have in our Bibles are those remembered and put together by communities of believers decades after his death. They wrote with purpose for a specific audience (not us), which can be seen when comparing the Gospels against each other. In other words, we need to hold on loosely to “Jesus quotes” even if our Bibles have them printed in red ink.
Aside from biblical criticism issues, theology comes into play. Is the grace of God something that we are capable of canceling, or is grace a constant? If we lean into the penal substitutionary atonement (PSA) paradigm, whereby Jesus’ death on the cross served as a final sacrifice for all sin for all time, how might that inform our interpretation? Jesus cannot be contradicting the magnitude of the work of the cross in that view. Deferring to PSA, the cross either truly cancels all sin past, present, or future, or it does not. It must, or the metaphor completely breaks down. If we can annul the work of the cross in the PSA paradigm, it never was what it claimed to be, and we have never really had any hope for grace.
From another perspective that does not depend on PSA at all or its God-as-Judge in the heavens, Jesus fuller teaching, ministry, and living example supported the vision of God’s grace simply being present at all times, everywhere, available for anyone to drink as living water. Take that away, and you eliminate God. There is much to think about in Jesus’ statement, but in my opinion, trembling in fear that God’s grace toward us may be jeopardized by our honest and understandable struggle to forgive someone who may have caused a lifelong, painful pursuit of healing is unwarranted. For God to withold grace in so many circumstances simply does not make sense.
Why is forgiving so hard? I don’t need to answer this question for you. You need to do that for yourself. Honesty is required, which is difficult. Last week’s teaching might be helpful in sorting out some of the internal stuff we all grapple with. Because forgiving others is such a sensitive subject, we can easily object to the very idea for a wide range of reasons. Before going further, take a moment and become aware of the concerns that come up when the issue of forgiveness is brought up.
Surely, at times, we are reluctant to consider forgiving because it seems to let people off the hook. Or invite further offense. Or it just doesn’t feel like justice is served when forgiveness is granted. When we forgive, it feels like we are paying the price for someone else’s wrongdoing. This means we pay doubly – first with the pain of the original offense and again when we “let them off the hook.” It feels like the offender is not being held to account at all. No penalty. How can this be just? In truth, forgiveness and grace is not just.
Related to this, when we are considering forgiving someone, we can find ourselves remembering and reliving the litany of harm another person has caused. Generally, this does not make us more inclined to forgive! When we revisit and perhaps nurse our pain, we find ourselves reexperiencing the trauma of what happened to us. When in that space, we can easily justify our reluctance.
Sometimes when we consider forgiveness, we shudder at the thought that such an act might mean letting the person who hurt us come hurt us again. Especially in abusive situations, this is terrifying.
What forgiveness is not. Anytime we engage the subject of forgiveness, we need to be reminded of what forgiving others does not mean before we talk about much else. Forgiving others does not mean we become a doormat for future abuse. Forgiveness does not mean we abandon the hope and pursuit of justice. English mystery writer and popularizer of Christian theology, Dorothy L. Sayer, offers this:
It may be easier to understand what forgiveness is, if we first clear away misconceptions about what it does. It does not wipe out the consequences of the sin. The words and images used for forgiveness in the New Testament frequently have to do with the cancellation of a debt: and it is scarcely necessary to point out that when a debt is cancelled, this does not mean that the money is miraculously restored from nowhere. It means only that the obligation originally due from the borrower is voluntarily discharged by the lender. If I injure you and you mulct me in damages, then I bear the consequences; if you forbear to prosecute, then you bear the consequences. If the injury is irreparable, and you are vindictive, injury is added to injury; if you are forgiving and I am repentant, then we share the consequences and gain a friendship. But in every case the consequences are borne by somebody...
One thing emerges from all this: that forgiveness is not a doing-away of consequences; nor is it primarily a remission of punishment. A child may be forgiven and “let off” punishment or punished and then forgiven; either way may bring good results. But no good will come of leaving him unpunished and unforgiven.
One truth Sayer noted is that forgiveness means a price is paid by the person offended. There is no way around this. This is a truth about the process that is not popular. She notes:
While God does not, and man dare not, demand repentance as a condition for bestowing pardon, repentance remains an essential condition for receiving it. Hence the church’s twofold insistence – first that repentance is necessary, and secondly that all sin is pardoned instantly in the mere fact of the sinner’s repentance. Nobody has to sit about being humiliated in the outer office while God dispatches important business, before condescending to issue a stamped official discharge accompanied by an improving lecture. Like the father of the prodigal son, God can see repentance coming a great way off and is there to meet it, and the repentance is the reconciliation.
What forgiveness includes. Evangelical author and President of Wheaton College, Philip Graham Ryken offers this short list of what forgiveness means: “to let go without a sense of guilt, obligation, or punishment.” It means canceling the debt owed. Choosing to no longer nurse the wound. Not doling out punishment ad infinitum. Forgiveness asks the forgiver to pay the price, to eat the cost created by the one being forgiven. Forgiveness calls us to release our desire for retribution in favor of reconciliation.
Justice: Retribution or Restoration? The Jewish tradition has laws on the books found in our Bibles that spells out what the penalty is for certain offenses. Most of them offer pretty straightforward, common-sense direction. Some are definitely antiquated. I think we can agree that stoning people to death for adultery may be too strong a response? Most people are familiar with the principle of “an eye for an eye” which calls for reciprocity related to the offense. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot. That principal rule exists to limit abuse as much as to codify its meting.
Sometimes we get carried away with our wanting to repay those who harmed us and exact payment far exceeding the scope of the offense. This retributive form of justice is satisfying on some level, isn’t it? We want those who have caused us to suffer to suffer themselves, maybe even a little more to insure they don’t forget what they’ve done. To not require consequence seems foolish and harmful – how will people learn if they always get off the hook? Yet within the biblical directives there is an underlying theme that also exists. Restoration is an ultimate goal. How can things be made right after a wrong? How can things be made whole that were broken? How can things be made well after being unwell? How can healing restoration come where destructive disease has existed? Sometimes the wounds are too deep. At times, shalom’s best hope is a relationship severed, allowing people to move forward. Yet even in those situations, the choice still needs to be made. Will we choose to live in restoration mode or retribution mode?
Cost Analysis: To Forgive or Not to Forgive? The retribution versus restoration question calls us to consider both the cost and the goal. Living in ongoing retribution mode is choosing a high interest loan that never gets paid off, where the offender may or may not suffer depending on the circumstances. The offended suffers in perpetuity. It may be cathartic for a season, but over time it sucks. Literally. It sucks the life out of us.
Living in restorative mode recognizes that debt exists but seeks to reduce it over time instead of adding to it or only paying interest. Restoration seeks wellbeing, wishing shalom for all involved. It may or may not require or result in restored relationship with the offender depending on the offense. But it does seek to release the emotional burden which the retributive mode demands. Paradoxically, retributive mode actually keeps the offender front of mind, allowing them to keep offending us in our memories. Unforgiveness is self-punishing even if the offender is out of the picture. Restorative justice encourages forgiveness, choosing to let go of the need for continued payment in order to move on. As the late scholar Lewis Smedes famously said, “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover the prisoner was you.”
The cost for forgiveness is high. The cost of unforgiveness is much higher. Nobody wants to pay either cost, yet, like taxes, we don’t really have a choice. Forgiveness is easier the more we are aware of how we’ve been forgiven. Forgiveness also comes easier with practice. I have found the following poem from Roch Orloff helpful in keeping my heart grounded and open to forgiveness:
My Confident Promises
for the [Jewish] New Year
by Rich Orloff
Worn out by making yearly promises
That are beyond my capacity to keep
This year I’ll take a new approach
And make promises based on what I know I can do:
I’ll screw up repeatedly, including many of the same mistakes as last year
I’ll overreact to petty problems
I’ll deny major problems, as if they are beyond my control
I’ll create problems, as a distraction from other problems
I’ll either be late or obsess about being on time, possibly both
I’ll act as if I know the answers even when I don’t
I’ll hesitate showing true wisdom out of fear of being mocked
I’ll rarely notice how deeply I am loved
I will consider myself morally superior
To all of those small-minded people
Who consider themselves morally superior
I will wish some people ill
Even as I deny I wish some people ill
Because I don’t want to think of myself
As the kind of person who ever wishes people ill
I will become anxious when people don’t respond quickly to texts
I will become annoyed whenever an elevator makes too many stops
I will spend hours trying to save a few dollars
But rarely spend dollars to give myself the gift of time
I will not rationalize my behavior as I have in the past
But will find creative new ways to rationalize my behavior
I will hold people to unreasonable standards
And become indignant every time they do that to me
And I pray:
Each time I fall short, may I
Treat myself with tenderness and grace
Admit mistakes as soon as I see them
Make amends whenever possible
And accept that for everyone I know (including me)
To be human
Includes the inevitability
of falling short
This business of forgiveness is hard work and an ongoing process. In light of the higher price unforgiveness requires, may you choose to stay engaged with grace, wishing those you love as well as those you don’t shalom.
Maybe this musical Loving Kindness Meditation from Michael Gungor will help.
References
Dorothy L. Sayers, Following the Call: Living the Sermon on the Mount Together (p. 228). Kindle Edition. (227-228)
As I shared last week, Neil Douglas-Klotz offers this fuller interpretation of this portion of the Lord’s Prayer based on the Aramaic Jesus spoke:
Letting Go, Heartbeat by Heartbeat (Neil Douglas-Klotz)
Loose the cords of mistakes binding us,
as we release the strands we hold
of others’ guilt.
Forgive our hidden past, the secret shames,
as we consistently forgive
what others hide.
Lighten our load of secret debts as
we relieve others of their
need to repay.
Erase the inner marks our failures make,
just as we scrub our hearts
of others’ faults.
Absorb our frustrated hopes and dreams,
as we embrace those of others
with emptiness.
Untangle the knots within
so that we can mend our hearts’
simple ties to others.
Compost our inner, stolen fruit
as we forgive others the spoils of
their trespassing.
Loose the cords of mistakes binding us,
as we release the strands we hold
of others’ guilt.