Note: This is part of a series based on the book, Freeing Jesus, by Diana Butler Bass.
What comes to mind when you reflect on the subject of friendship? Some have deep, fond memories from childhood when hours went by just playing together, often effortlessly. Others have mixed associations with the word, friend, as they remember times when friendships fizzled, causing varying degrees of feeling despair, rejection, loss, and grief. Some, upon hearing the word, feel a tinge of loneliness as they manage to create a very short list of those in whom they would risk confiding (most Americans have only two such friends). My hunch is that if you are a human being, you have experienced all of this and everything in between, and perhaps all at once.
Sometimes we don’t realize how important friendship is for experiencing a meaningful life until we find ourselves without it, even if for only a short while. The longer we go without it, the more it can mess with how we see the world and value ourselves. We are made to give and receive love, after all, and without friendship, we will struggle to express the giving or receiving and feel its absence more acutely. Or maybe this is just my experience?
Jesus was into reversals. His experience of God led him to view everyone as deeply valued, worthy of honor, respect, and love. He treated those that the world’s systems disdained with dignity, lifting them out of their despair and loneliness into acceptance and inclusion. This was even evident in the disciples Jesus chose – a bunch of ragamuffins, everyday people. He was even criticized for fraternizing with the “wrong” people by religious authorities (see Luke 7:34).
Jesus took the vision to the deepest levels:
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
Then he called a little child over to sit among the disciples, and said, “I assure you that if you don’t turn your lives around and become like this little child, you will definitely not enter the kingdom of heaven. Those who humble themselves like this little child will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. - Matthew 18:1-5. Translation: Common English Bible (CEB)
At that time in history in that part of the world, children had few rights and were generally not welcome to be seen or heard, especially with someone of renown like Jesus. His welcoming and highlighting a child would have raised eyebrows and caused some to walk away.
According to the Gospel of John, near the end of his life, Jesus changed the paradigm of his relationship with his followers:
“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.
“I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I’m no longer calling you servants because servants don’t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I’ve named you friends because I’ve let you in on everything I’ve heard from the Father.
“You didn’t choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won’t spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
“But remember the root command: Love one another. – John 15:9-17. Translation: The Message (MSG)
This idea of friendship with their leader was liberating and unnerving all at once. Liberating because to equality it afforded. Unnerving because it removed the transactional element of most relationships at that time. Yet friendship with God was something to be esteemed in the Jewish tradition, even if only a few were ever given such a title (Abraham and Moses). Scholars recognize Jesus’ use of Abba as his preferred image of God, even instructing his disciples to address God similarly in the model prayer: Our Father... Yet the English word, Father, has a sense of formality that does not reflect Jesus’ intent. Abba meant more of the equivalent of “daddy”, or even “friend.”
How do you feel about the idea of addressing and relating to God as your friend?
What do you think about Jesus’ remembered statement that “we are his friends when we do the things Jesus commands?” Does that mean we are no longer on invite list when we don’t? No. When Jesus made such a statement – especially when taken in the context of loving one another – we recognize the empowerment the paradigm was providing. To be a friend is not simply to receive, but to also give friendship. While being a servant may require one to serve, there exists no equality or friendship in that relationship – service is expected. In the vision Jesus is casting, we who follow do so motivated by the love we’ve been given. Our decision to love is completely voluntary. When we love others, we are simply doing what friends do.
Being a friend of God matters to God and the world. As St. Teresa of Avila noted, “God has no hands but yours... Yours are the hands with which God blesses all the world.” We who have been deeply loved by God are called to deeply love the world. There is no Plan B. If we view ourselves as mere servants of God, this may feel like a massive burden. If, however, we see it through the lens of Jesus, we recognize what a gift this is, as we get to be conduits of love in the world, supercharged with the flow of the Spirit of God in and around every friendly pursuit. In my experience, acts of lovingkindness become their own reward – we experience more love when we love more.
I recently received an email from a guy who was in my cabin when I was a camp counselor decades ago. He thanked me, essentially, for being a good friend when he really needed it. It blessed his life. In thanking me and reminding me of that time, it blessed me. Considering this experience, I wonder who has been a good friend to you? When did you last tell them? How about shooting them a text or message or notecard today?
There have been times when I needed a friend to simply listen to me to help me process some ugly stuff I was going through. It really helped to just have someone listen without needing to offer their commentary or fix things. Do you know anybody who could use your undivided, attentive listening? Are you the person who needs that kind of friend right now? Have you let a friend know so that they can befriend you? It’s not a burden!
How have you shifted way from a servant mindset in your relationship with God to one that is friendship oriented? What keeps you from making that jump? What would it look like for your relationship with God to resemble any other loving friendship? Maybe a first step is to start you prayer with “Dear God, my Friend...”
Need a little help getting in the friendship groove? Maybe this playlist will help.